Not that long ago, I asked a media-savvy friend to quickly name the first thing he thought of when he heard the word “polygamy.” As you would expect from someone here in the Bible Belt, he responded: “Mormons.”
The guy was being honest. He knew that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints long ago changed its stance on that issue. But that was still what he thought of, first. It was a religion thing.
Then I asked him to do the same thing with this term: “polyamory.”
Just as quickly, he responded: “NPR.”
Well, that has been a logical choice in the past. Now, reporters who follow updates on the Sexual Revolution can look to CBSN Originals for the latest one-sided coverage on that topic. Oh, and this new feature — “Not just ‘one big orgy’: Fighting the stigma of consensual non-monogamy” — avoids any religious questions that might be linked to love, sex, marriage and family life (other than hints at conservatives with hangups).
The big idea: There are lots of ordinary Americans who have been forced to hide in closets because they want to love who they love, while creating new kinds of families without fear of legal and cultural complications. They need government recognition.
That sort of sounds like three- or four-person marriages, but CBS never really goes THERE. Check out this passage:
It is illegal in all 50 states to be married to more than one person — which is known as polygamy, not polyamory. Polyamorous people who try different kinds of arrangements — such as a married couple with steady outside partners — run into their own legal problems.
There is no legal framework for polyamorous families to share finances, custody of children or the rights and responsibilities that come with marriage. Likewise, there are no legal protections against people facing discrimination for being in a non-monogamous relationship.
So the “legal framework” goal is civil unions of some kind, as opposed to marriage? What about religious groups that WANT to sanction holy unions of various kinds involving more than two partners?
Moving on. It’s time to hear the story of someone who knows what is going on.
Mahdy, a man who lives in Brooklyn, New York, had to end his marriage to keep his relationship together. He is part of what's called a triad or thruple — a polyamorous relationship between three people who are all actively involved with each other. But because it's illegal to be married to more than one person, only two people in his triad can be married.
Mahdy, who did not want his last name to be used, met his first partner about 14 years ago and married her in 2011. One year later, the couple met another woman, and the three formed a triad. But it could have fallen apart after the second woman ran into problems with her immigration status, he says.
For her to remain in America, Mahdy and his wife divorced, and the wife married the second partner. It kept them all together — but he is still reeling from the ordeal.
Again, there is the strong implication that it laws forbidding polygamy (“because it's illegal to be married to more than one person”) are so, so, on the wrong side of history. Or maybe they are part of an ancient approach to legal ties between women and men? That old religion thing? This story needed one or two historical paragraphs.
The key is that we are not talking about an old-fashioned ménage à trois. This is a thruple with rights in the eyes of the state. Here is a key thesis statement:
People who engage in or support non-monogamous relationships argue that it's simply an option that should be available for those who choose — just as monogamy should be an option. And for now, they're just asking for acceptance.
Moving on. It’s time to meet a family or families that has moved past the “thruple” stage. This means learning a few new terms:
CBSN Originals spoke with two women in Durham, North Carolina, who have been in what they call a polyfidelitous closed quad for more than seven years. That means the two married couples are romantically involved with each other — each woman has sex with the other's husband — but outside of that the couples don't see anyone else. The women asked to remain anonymous to protect their families, and for fear of consequences in their jobs.
"It's not just about sleeping with each other's husbands. Our lives are meshed together," one of the women said. "Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays are the nights we spend with our extramarital partners. And Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays we spend with our marital partners."
One of the hardest parts of the arrangement is the children. One couple does not have kids; the other does. The couples care for and parent them together, though there is no question about who their biological parents are. And those children had to have all of this explained to them.
Are there any expert voices in the American marketplace of ideas who are concerned about this trend? Did the CBS team find people who have tried this option and suffered any negative consequences, other than the prejudices of the narrow-minded? How many of the relationships pivot on issues related to bisexuality and other complex forms of sexual identity?
To be blunt, this is not that kind of news report, the kind of journalism that includes dissenting voices and debates between sincere people on both sides of a complex issue.
Now, here is a logical question: How common are these relationships?
CBS had an answer to that question and researchers at the Institute for Family Studies had a problem with that answer. Reporters seeking alternative sources on this hot topic may want to file away this reference.
In promoting the show, the network tweeted out the eye-catching claim that "1 in 5 Americans have been involved in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point in their life." CBS is far from the only outlet to push the "one in five" claim: it's appeared in Rolling Stone, Quartz (as cited by NPR), Time, Men's Health, and Psychology Today, among others.
Where does that number come from? Essentially all of the articles point to the same source, a 2016 study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy by a group of researchers at the Kinsey Institute (hereinafter collectively referred to as Haupert et al.). The abstract of the study does indeed confirm that "more than one in five (21.9% in Study 1; 21.2% in Study 2) participants report engaging in CNM at some point in their lifetime."
The study itself is a straightforward survey. Haupert et al. used two waves of the "Singles in America" study, an annual survey of single American adults administered by Match.com through U.S.-based research firm ResearchNow. Respondents to the first survey were over 21; respondents to the second survey were over 18.
Wait a second — all the respondents were single? Yes: the first wave covered "those who were legally single at the time of the survey," meaning people who were single, casually or seriously dating, cohabiting, or engaged. The second wave covered "only those who were either single and not seeing anyone, or single and casually dating."
If your sample is only of single people, then your conclusions only generalize to the population of single people.
In other words, there appears to be some issues here involving married apples and single oranges being combined into one TV-friendly statement of facts.
Here’s another question (and I don’t know the answer to this one): Have any religious traditions or denominations started developing rites to celebrate these kinds of relationships?
Just asking.